Friday, February 27, 2009

Twenty Seven Stitches OR don't read this if you've just eaten lunch

Zoe and I, Summer 2008

When I was in the first grade we had to have bathroom buddies because unlike kindergarten, the bathrooms were down the hall and not in the classroom. My bathroom buddy was Zoe, and every time one of us had to pee we had to go together. Because we were six. The other thing about bathroom buddies was that it meant you always had an audience when performing stupid stunts. The most popular of these stunts was keeping the door locked from the inside, putting one foot on the toilet, the other on the lock and then launching yourself over the door. It was impressive and annoying!

Right before Memorial Day weekend 1991, Zoe and I got stuck in the stall. Being that I was A) wearing my favorite shirt (a yellow Lacoste pocket tee) and B) had done it a million times before, I decided to launch myself over the door, rather than crawling under it. Well, like so many other things in my life, (see Wrestling, Rooftop) it didn't go quite as well for me that time. Somehow or another I lost my balance in the middle of this act (I still think Zoe pushed the door, she says she didn't) and landed, armpit first, on the blunt coat hook. Dazed and bleeding, Zoe and I started to leave the bathroom when

Disclaimer: Okay, now I'm really serious about the Don't-Read-This-If-You've-Just-Had-Lunch thing...we're about to go gross...

a chunk of fat from my arm ended up in my mouth and I had to spit it out.

I'm serious. I have had human fat in my mouth. I wouldn't advise it.

Moving on!

Zoe and I made our way back to our classroom where my first grade teacher, Amy Blackwell, did not faint. Which is something I still look up to her for. From there things are a little blurry. I remember being in the principle's office where she held a wad of those school grade brown paper towels under my arm until the paramedics got there. I remember my father arriving on unicycle, and I remember that I was laughing by the time I got into the ambulance. I also remember getting a huge shot in my leg to knock me out so they could stitch me up.


Other than that I don't remember much. I'll still run into people who remember me bleeding on their that's fun.

Now go look at the picture in the top of the post again. That's me, Zoe, and the actual hook I landed on all those years ago. My mother doesn't find the humor in the photo. Zoe and I think it's awesome.

Thanks to The Garlic for inspiring this post. xo
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I didn't make this, I just think it's funny

song chart memes
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

You know that 25 Things thing? It's totally not happening.

Because I've been tagged a bajillion times in that stupid "25 Random Things About Me" note on Facebook (I'm very popular), I've actually started thinking about it. Which is stupid because I'm totally never doing it. You can all stop tagging me now.

The only thing I keep coming up with is that I am obsessed with weather. Not low or high pressure, and certainly not cloud patterns; I'm obsessed with the temperature. I want to know what the temperature is outside at all times. When I am at my mother's house I watch NY1 almost exclusively because it always has a handy time and temperature thingie in the corner of the screen. ------------------------------------------------------>

I love it.

I also love The Fucking Weather. Because it's funny and doesn't load nearly as slowly as Weather dot com.

I know there are probably plenty of other things about me that people would want to know. But they usually already do.

14) I grew up with a sixteen foot python. But you already knew that because you are friends with me on Facebook, and therefore have access to my pictures and have already seen the picture of me and the giant ass snake. It was my profile picture for a while.

So there's an interesting tidbit I'm not supposed to put on the note...great.

7) I once busted my face in a rooftop wrestling incident. You know what? I should probably not be telling people about that anyway.

22) I mess with my hair after breakups. And it's never a good thing.


I'm boring. (Or just laaaaazy)

Stupid 25 Things. ♦DiggIt!Add to del.icio.usAdd to Technorati Faves

Friday, February 13, 2009

I am really good at making a FOOL of myself OR never shout "PIEGINA!" in a restaurant

So tonight? At Northeast Kingdom? Where Karin and I had dinner? I may or may not have shouted "PIEGINA!" way louder than I should have. Because I should not be allowed in public.

Basically what happened was this -

After an AWESOME meal of leeks vinaigrette, pork something or another, pork loin sandwich with apple and mustard on an English muffin and a chicken pot pie (and also champagne), I decided to order the banana creme pie. You know that point in a slice of pie when you've eaten the point off and it falls on its back? Insides up? Well, Karin saw this and said, "Look, it's exposing itself!" at which point I said, waaaaaaaay too loudly, "IT'S SHOWING US ITS PIEGINA." Because apparently my banana creme pie is a woman. A slutty slutty woman.

Yeah, not allowed around people.


UPDATE: Karin pointed out that what she actually said was, "She's presenting herself to us" which makes the pie a lot sluttier than we originally thought.
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Foot In Mouth Disease...I hear it's going around

Seth and I are considering going back to California in the spring, and while talking about it via g-chat today, I made an awful typo:

Me: I would love to, you know that. Though I'm a bit scared of plans right now.

Seth: oh

Me: (After rereading what I wrote and feeling like an ASSHOLE)
*planes! PLANES!

Oh Man. Can you imagine? "Hello lover, would you like to accompany me on a trip in a few months time?" "Yeah, see...about that? I'm not really into long term"

I would die.

But seriously, two plane crashes right up against each other? Hell NO I do not want to get into a plane right now, thankyouverymuch. ♦DiggIt!Add to del.icio.usAdd to Technorati Faves