Twenty Seven Stitches OR don't read this if you've just eaten lunch

Zoe and I, Summer 2008

When I was in the first grade we had to have bathroom buddies because unlike kindergarten, the bathrooms were down the hall and not in the classroom. My bathroom buddy was Zoe, and every time one of us had to pee we had to go together. Because we were six. The other thing about bathroom buddies was that it meant you always had an audience when performing stupid stunts. The most popular of these stunts was keeping the door locked from the inside, putting one foot on the toilet, the other on the lock and then launching yourself over the door. It was impressive and annoying!

Right before Memorial Day weekend 1991, Zoe and I got stuck in the stall. Being that I was A) wearing my favorite shirt (a yellow Lacoste pocket tee) and B) had done it a million times before, I decided to launch myself over the door, rather than crawling under it. Well, like so many other things in my life, (see Wrestling, Rooftop) it didn't go quite as well for me that time. Somehow or another I lost my balance in the middle of this act (I still think Zoe pushed the door, she says she didn't) and landed, armpit first, on the blunt coat hook. Dazed and bleeding, Zoe and I started to leave the bathroom when


Disclaimer: Okay, now I'm really serious about the Don't-Read-This-If-You've-Just-Had-Lunch thing...we're about to go gross...





a chunk of fat from my arm ended up in my mouth and I had to spit it out.

I'm serious. I have had human fat in my mouth. I wouldn't advise it.

Moving on!

Zoe and I made our way back to our classroom where my first grade teacher, Amy Blackwell, did not faint. Which is something I still look up to her for. From there things are a little blurry. I remember being in the principle's office where she held a wad of those school grade brown paper towels under my arm until the paramedics got there. I remember my father arriving on unicycle, and I remember that I was laughing by the time I got into the ambulance. I also remember getting a huge shot in my leg to knock me out so they could stitch me up.

FUN!

Other than that I don't remember much. I'll still run into people who remember me bleeding on their desks...so that's fun.

Now go look at the picture in the top of the post again. That's me, Zoe, and the actual hook I landed on all those years ago. My mother doesn't find the humor in the photo. Zoe and I think it's awesome.

Thanks to The Garlic for inspiring this post. xo
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