Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Worst. Roommate. Ever.

In early 2005, at the tender age of 20, I moved to Bushwick where I lived with four other people:
My boyfriend, two (then) random boys, and a girl who I discovered was batshit insane the second I got home from a three week European adventure with Vicky.

I got back from Europe on the 23rd of June and was home for two days before realizing that this girl was COMPLETELY INSANE...

I was going to a party that night (still horribly jet lagged) so at about 6pm I wandered into the bathroom to start getting ready. Across from our toilet was a shelving unit that held various things - styling tools, etc. You know, bathroom things. The middle shelf served as our magazine rack. As I sat on the toilet I looked towards our magazine collection and was immediately confronted with a used tampon. What. The. Fuck. Since there were only two girls living in our apartment, and I knew full well it wasn't mine, it had to be the other female roommate's.

Well, at the time female roommate was not home, but the boys were, so I dragged them all in to the bathroom, pointed and said, "What the FUCK is that?" At which point they all ran around going, "ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!" for a while. About ten minutes later I took an unused tampon and threw it at the boys in the living room. It landed in one of their hands and after shrieking like a lady for ten minutes, he turned to me and said, "Sarah. That may be the coolest thing you've ever done." Apparently they actually thought I would throw a used tampon at them. And not just any used tampon, SOMEONE ELSE'S. How gross did they think I was? (Don't answer that.)

Disgusting Female roommate did not come home for TWO days, so we had to keep the damn thing there so we could rub her nose in it like a bad puppy who's peed on the rug. Luckily one of the male roommates covered the offending object in a piece of toilet paper.

When Female roommate finally reappeared I dragged her into the bathroom and we had the following conversation (I shit you not):

Me: What the fuck is that?
Her: (Lifting up toilet paper) Oh my GOD. I'm sooo sorry!
Me: Um, it's cool...I guess…But…um, why?
Her: Well...My sister and I...we're saving them. We're making matching sisterhood puppets out of them.

At which point she wrapped the thing in a piece of tissue and wandered into her room.


When this bit of information was passed on to the other roommates and various friends who hung out at our apartment we tried to figure out where she was keeping them. I mean, how many places can you keep a used tampon without people noticing? You'd think the smell alone would set off a few alarms. We decided she must have some sort of container she kept them in. On a shelf or something. Apparently we were wrong. This lovely, INTERESTING girl also made jewelry,. Hideous, awful jewelry out of fabric and found objects that she used to decorate her walls and occasionally her person.

You know what else she used to decorate her walls? USED TAMPONS. We didn't notice them at first because of all the other shit up there, but upon closer inspection we realized that she had covered her walls in a collage of skank. She was kicked out shortly after the tampon fiasco, but not before we found three others lurking around the apartment. Two in the bathroom and one on the living room floor, wrapped in toilet paper.

There was also the time she left her dildo in the bathroom for three days, and the time she decided to sleep with her door open so that I was confronted with her boyfriend's balls first thing in the morning.

Man...she was a JOY.

I've gotten flack for saying she was the worst roommate ever because she didn't destroy anything or steal from us. But come ON. It was still pretty bad.

What about you guys? Any horror stories? ♦DiggIt!Add to del.icio.usAdd to Technorati Faves