Please Don't Make Fun Of Me

Readers, I have a horrible confession to make:

My new favorite show is America's Got Talent.

I never really got into American Idol. I liked watching the auditions, because you got gems like Mary Roach:



But I found that I didn't care when people did well. I was really only in it for the fail. And it feels bad to find pleasure in watching people fail. And the thing about AI is that I feel like they ALWAYS set you up for the fail. But on America's Got Talent, oh boy, you find things like this:



Who I WANT to do well. And she made me cry. And I realize that she's riding Susan Boyle's coattails, but I don't give a shit. I want to hug her.

I also want to hug this kid:



AND Grandma Lee:

Who, while using recycled jokes, makes me giggle.

The fail is still there, but the winners kill me.

I'm in love. Please don't make fun of me :(

Okay, okay, also these guys. I wish you could hear the judges reactions. Check out the postal workers:



Holy balls. <3

Seriously, go to Hulu and watch. I LOVE IT.

:(
UPDATE: Mom, This is for you:

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More Tampon Troubles, and Some AMAZING NEWS

Okay, first, this is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING, and probably not true:

This story—and we do hope it's a story—makes the guy who complained about a snake head on his plate at TGI Friday's seem like a big fat baby: A German tourist claims that while eating steak and spinach at the Waldorf Astoria on Friday night, he bit into something you'd only expect to find on the menu at a Red Roof Inn. There's really no delicate way to put this: Axel Sanz-Claus tells ABC News that during his meal at the legendary hotel's Bull and Bear Steak House, he bit into a blood-soaked tampon. UGH: "I had it in my mouth, chewed it and nearly swallowed it," Sanz-Claus says, adding, "This is so disgusting, I've felt sick ever since."

ARE YOU SERIOUS? You can read the rest of the story here. As the commenters point out, how the HELL would you not notice a tampon on a plate of steak and spinach? How would it make it to your mouth??

Guh, the thought of it makes me gag.

To make up for that awful story, Gem has shared an amazing article with me on the demise of Crocs!

The colorful foam clogs appeared in 2002, just as the country was recovering from a recession. Brash and bright, they were a cheap investment (about $30) that felt good and promised to last forever. Former president George W. Bush wore them. Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler wore them. Your grandma wore them. They roared along with the economy, mocked by the fashion world but selling 100 million pairs in seven years.

...

The company had expanded to meet demand, but financially pressed customers cut back. Last year the company lost $185.1 million, slashed roughly 2,000 jobs and scrambled to find money to pay down millions in debt. Now it's stuck with a surplus of shoes, and its auditors have wondered if it can stay afloat. It has until the end of September to pay off its debt.

"The company's toast," said Damon Vickers, who manages an investment fund at Nine Points Capital Partners in Seattle. "They're zombie-ish. They're dead and they don't know it."

YOU GUYS, MY CAMPAIGN IS TOTALLY WORKING. Read the rest of the article here and REJOICE! THE WORLD WILL SOON BE FREE OF THE EVIL OF CROCS.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!! ♦DiggIt! ♦Add to del.icio.us ♦Add to Technorati Faves

I'm Bleeding All Over The Place

I got my period today. Accompanied by cramps and general unpleasantness. Fun! I never used to get cramps. When I was younger my period came and went, and while annoying, it was never painful. Until an old woman (A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN HER!) cursed me.

Around November of 2001 I was sitting outside the Brooklyn Museum waiting for a friend, wearing an unattractive long blue coat, when an old woman with a shopping cart approached me. "Do you get cramps when you menstruate?" She asked me in her scratchy old lady witch voice.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you get cramps when you menstruaaaaaate?" She repeated.

"No, never! I'm, um....very lucky?" I replied. I was relatively disturbed that a stranger was asking me about my period.

"Well you will! Sitting on cold things! That's where the trouble starts!"

"I...What? But I'm sitting on my coat! I'm okay!"

"That's where the trouble starts!" She said, pointing at me menacingly. And then she shuffled away.

And then I started getting cramps.

Bitch.

ANYWAY - to top everything else off I got a nosebleed when I got home. After I had used up the last of our toilet paper I realized I had something else that would stop the blood flow:

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Dammit

Why is it totally hilarious to spew Shakespeare in other countries? Why can't OUR awful students spit it out?

That was for the UK Comic Relief.

Here's an example of a recent USA Comic Relief:



Honestly...try and sit through that. "It's like sweet potatoes hating yams!" SHUT UP. "I don't care if you think I'm racist as long as you think I'm a thin racist." REALLY? Gaaaah. I have zero hope for (famous [I know some funny people]) American comedy at this point.

In our defense - America did get the Glorious Eddie Izzard one year:


Eddie Izzard Performs at the US Comic Relief 1998 - For more funny videos, click here

OH WAIT. He did that before. Eddie Fucking Izzard couldn't be bothered to give America new material.

What the shit does that tell you? ♦DiggIt! ♦Add to del.icio.us ♦Add to Technorati Faves

Late Late Late Mermaid Parade

Thanks to MattHillArt for the picture

Last year was the first time I ever made it to the Mermaid Parade. (I know, I know, I grew up in NYC and I'd never been to the Mermaid Parade before??) And we got there just a little too late, and it was a little too crowded, and it was hard to see. So my group and I gave up and spent the rest of the day on the boardwalk and rides. I decided this year, like I did with the Halloween Parade, that if I really wanted to see anything I had to be in it.

Luckily for me, a family friend is in charge of the East Village Sea Monster Marching Band, which has been a part of the Mermaid Parade for the last five years. He's been inviting me for years, but for the first time I said yes.

I was told that we were only allowed to wear blue and purple, and so I stuck to that. I also knew it was going to rain, so on the suggestion of my friend Gem, I became a Jellyfish Princess rather than some sort of mermaid.

Thanks to ronaldhennessy for the photo.
(The Streamers make me a jellyish)

Unfortunately for me, the rest of our group did not stick to the same color guidelines. We had a red mermaid, a green mermaid, a "freak" wearing only black sweatshorts, and a couple of randoms who decided to join us at the last minute.

Our "freak" Thanks to masi1028 for the photo.
Yes, I know my bra is showing. Shut it.

We were a motley crew to say the least. But regardless of the fact that the actual musical part of our band only knew three songs, and that we had absolutely no skill when it came to walking as a group, I had a wonderful time.

Weather permitting, I will do it all again next year.

Oh, and of course I took photo booth pictures.

And here is a link to another blog that mentioned The East Village Sea Monster Marching Band.

Update: Yes, if anyone was wondering - YES. I did spend hours going through Flickr. Shut up.

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