Monday, December 15, 2008

"Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it."

I was looking in my spam folder on gmail the other day when I noticed a link at the top of the page, one of those ads that are supposed to have something to do with what you're reading, and it said "French Fry Spam Casserole."

Excuse me?

I clicked on the link and was greeted with one of the most disgusting recipes I have ever encountered. Behold:

Categories: Main dish
Yield: 8 servings

1 pk Frozen french fry potatoes,
-thawed (20 oz)
2 c Shredded Cheddar cheese
2 c Sour cream
1 cn Condensed cream of chicken
-soup (10 3/4 oz)
1 cn SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
-(12 oz)
1/2 c Chopped red bell pepper
1/2 c Chopped green onion
1/2 c Finely crushed corn flakes

Heat oven to 350'F. In large bowl, combine potatoes, cheese, sour
cream, and soup. Stir in SPAM, bell pepper, and green onion. Spoon
into 13x9″ baking dish. Sprinkle with crushed flakes. Bake 30-40
minutes or until thoroughly heated.
Holy shit.  What do you do if someone serves you this?  And do you think there is a
set of rules somewhere that says you must live in a home with wheels in order to cook this?

The Recipe Source has some other gems as well:

1. Cantonese Sweet And Sour Spam
2. Dipped Spam Swiss Sandwiches
3. Classic Spam Potato Salad
4. Vegetable Spam Stuffed Acorn Squash
5. Deviled Green Eggs And Spam
6. Spam Breakfast Bagels
7. Hearty Spam Breakfast Skillet
8. Spam And Egg Brunch
9. Elegant Potato Spam Casserole
10. Double Cheese Spam Bake
11. Spam-Mac Casserole
12. French Fry Spam Casserole
13. Spam Cheesy Broccoli Bake
14. Speedy Spam Quiche
15. Quick Spam Quiche
16. Speedy Spam Quiche
17. Cricket's Spam Quiche
18. Spam Strudels With Mustard Sauce
19. Spam Vegetable Strudel
20. French Fry Spam Casserole
21. Savory Spam Crescents
22. Spam Swiss Pie
23. Spam Vegetable Soup With Cheese-Topped Croutons
24. Spam Meal In A Bundle
25. Creamy Spam Broccoli Casserole
26. Spam Hot And Spicy Stir-Fry
27. Spam Hot Vegetable Salad Sandwiches
28. Spam Veggie Pita Pockets
29. Vineyard Spam Salad
30. Spam Ala Gary
31. Spam Stew With Buttermilk Topping
32. Spam Breakfast Burritos
33. Spam Confetti Pasta
34. Spam Primavera
35. Spam Broccoli Pecan Salad
36. Spicy Spam Kabobs
37. Healthy Spam Peppers
38. Coconut Beer Batter Spam with Raspberry Horse
39. Spam Denver Biscuit Souffle
40. Spam Fajitas
41. Spam Hashbrown Bake
42. Spam Vegetable Casserole
43. Spam Ala Gary
44. Spam Primavera
45. Spam Hashbrown Bake
46. Delicious and 'Good For You' SPAM Salad
47. Spam-Bolaya
48. Easy Spam Triangles
49. Gingered Spam Salad
50. Spam A La King
51. Spam-Mac Casserole
52. Spam Salad Cones
53. Spam Skillet Casserole
54. Spam Stuffed Potatoes Florentine
55. Spam Imperial Tortilla Sandwiches
56. Spam Western Pasta
57. Spam Fettuccini Primavera
58. Spam Hawaiian Pizza
59. White Spam And Garlic Pizza
60. Hawaiian Spam Pizza
61. Spam Reuben Sandwich
62. Spam Pizza Pockets
63. Dipped Spam Swiss Sandwiches
64. Spam Imperial Tortilla Sandwiches
65. Spam Imperial Tortilla Sandwiches
66. Maui Spam Muffins
67. Mondo Spam Deluxe On Rye
68. Bone Hunter's Spam Delight
69. Spam Carbonera
70. Super Spam Cheeseball
71. Spicy Spam Party Dip
72. Spam Meat Spread
73. Spam Fiesta Dip
74. Spam Western Bean Soup

I've bolded the important recipes.

Number 9, Elegant Potato Spam Casserole. Right, because anything including Spam is going to be elegant.

Number 68, Bone Hunter's Spam Delight. The name caught me off guard, but the recipe is even better:

Recipe By : James I. Kirkland Ph.D.
Serving Size : 1 Preparation Time :0:00
Categories : Meats

Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
1 can spam

Open can. Take a green branch from a Utah Juniper. Sharpen the point. Plunge it
through the Spam. Hold over a low fire of Juniper wood. Turn slowly. Roast for
about 15 minutes. May be eaten off the stick or sliced onto some hard tack.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOTES : This is a delightful meal eaten often by underfunded paleontologists in
the field.

WHAT THE FUCK. I was always under the impression that if you had enough money and brains to get your PHD you would have absolutely nothing to do with canned meat. Apparently I was mistaken.

And finally, my personal favorite, number 38: Coconut Beer Battered Spam with Raspberry Horse.

Horse is apparently a typo for Sauce, as it is not mentioned in the recipe at all. The raspberry horse is made from "raspberry sauce or jelly" and horseradish sauce. I've been on the verge of throwing up all night and this might actually push me over the edge. I also hate coconut, which doesn't help matters.

Spam, ladies and gentleman, it will blow your mind.

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