I cannot has nice things

In the last few months I have

1) Lost my cell phone and therefore all my phone numbers

2) Replaced my cell phone and attempted to get everyone's numbers again

3) Had to completely reset my cell phone because it had some error or another. Lost everyone's phone numbers again.

Before that I have lost cell phones in the sewers of Boston, cabs, bars, and managed to get an iPhone to completely crap out on me though I still have absolutely no idea how. I once dropped my phone down four stories, but it managed to survive completely unscathed.

Last night I knocked my newly reset Blackberry into the toilet.

Yes, I am that awesome.

It works...sort of...and should be fine in a few days, but it doesn't make it any less annoying that I dropped my G-D phone in the toilet.

So, mostly, I'm an idiot.

Aren't you all happy to have me back?

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More Tampon Troubles, and Some AMAZING NEWS

Okay, first, this is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING, and probably not true:

This story—and we do hope it's a story—makes the guy who complained about a snake head on his plate at TGI Friday's seem like a big fat baby: A German tourist claims that while eating steak and spinach at the Waldorf Astoria on Friday night, he bit into something you'd only expect to find on the menu at a Red Roof Inn. There's really no delicate way to put this: Axel Sanz-Claus tells ABC News that during his meal at the legendary hotel's Bull and Bear Steak House, he bit into a blood-soaked tampon. UGH: "I had it in my mouth, chewed it and nearly swallowed it," Sanz-Claus says, adding, "This is so disgusting, I've felt sick ever since."

ARE YOU SERIOUS? You can read the rest of the story here. As the commenters point out, how the HELL would you not notice a tampon on a plate of steak and spinach? How would it make it to your mouth??

Guh, the thought of it makes me gag.

To make up for that awful story, Gem has shared an amazing article with me on the demise of Crocs!

The colorful foam clogs appeared in 2002, just as the country was recovering from a recession. Brash and bright, they were a cheap investment (about $30) that felt good and promised to last forever. Former president George W. Bush wore them. Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler wore them. Your grandma wore them. They roared along with the economy, mocked by the fashion world but selling 100 million pairs in seven years.

...

The company had expanded to meet demand, but financially pressed customers cut back. Last year the company lost $185.1 million, slashed roughly 2,000 jobs and scrambled to find money to pay down millions in debt. Now it's stuck with a surplus of shoes, and its auditors have wondered if it can stay afloat. It has until the end of September to pay off its debt.

"The company's toast," said Damon Vickers, who manages an investment fund at Nine Points Capital Partners in Seattle. "They're zombie-ish. They're dead and they don't know it."

YOU GUYS, MY CAMPAIGN IS TOTALLY WORKING. Read the rest of the article here and REJOICE! THE WORLD WILL SOON BE FREE OF THE EVIL OF CROCS.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!! ♦DiggIt! ♦Add to del.icio.us ♦Add to Technorati Faves

I'm Bleeding All Over The Place

I got my period today. Accompanied by cramps and general unpleasantness. Fun! I never used to get cramps. When I was younger my period came and went, and while annoying, it was never painful. Until an old woman (A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN HER!) cursed me.

Around November of 2001 I was sitting outside the Brooklyn Museum waiting for a friend, wearing an unattractive long blue coat, when an old woman with a shopping cart approached me. "Do you get cramps when you menstruate?" She asked me in her scratchy old lady witch voice.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you get cramps when you menstruaaaaaate?" She repeated.

"No, never! I'm, um....very lucky?" I replied. I was relatively disturbed that a stranger was asking me about my period.

"Well you will! Sitting on cold things! That's where the trouble starts!"

"I...What? But I'm sitting on my coat! I'm okay!"

"That's where the trouble starts!" She said, pointing at me menacingly. And then she shuffled away.

And then I started getting cramps.

Bitch.

ANYWAY - to top everything else off I got a nosebleed when I got home. After I had used up the last of our toilet paper I realized I had something else that would stop the blood flow:

Today sucks. ♦DiggIt! ♦Add to del.icio.us ♦Add to Technorati Faves

Worst. Roommate. Ever.

In early 2005, at the tender age of 20, I moved to Bushwick where I lived with four other people:
My boyfriend, two (then) random boys, and a girl who I discovered was batshit insane the second I got home from a three week European adventure with Vicky.

I got back from Europe on the 23rd of June and was home for two days before realizing that this girl was COMPLETELY INSANE...

I was going to a party that night (still horribly jet lagged) so at about 6pm I wandered into the bathroom to start getting ready. Across from our toilet was a shelving unit that held various things - styling tools, etc. You know, bathroom things. The middle shelf served as our magazine rack. As I sat on the toilet I looked towards our magazine collection and was immediately confronted with a used tampon. What. The. Fuck. Since there were only two girls living in our apartment, and I knew full well it wasn't mine, it had to be the other female roommate's.

Well, at the time female roommate was not home, but the boys were, so I dragged them all in to the bathroom, pointed and said, "What the FUCK is that?" At which point they all ran around going, "ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!" for a while. About ten minutes later I took an unused tampon and threw it at the boys in the living room. It landed in one of their hands and after shrieking like a lady for ten minutes, he turned to me and said, "Sarah. That may be the coolest thing you've ever done." Apparently they actually thought I would throw a used tampon at them. And not just any used tampon, SOMEONE ELSE'S. How gross did they think I was? (Don't answer that.)

Disgusting Female roommate did not come home for TWO days, so we had to keep the damn thing there so we could rub her nose in it like a bad puppy who's peed on the rug. Luckily one of the male roommates covered the offending object in a piece of toilet paper.

When Female roommate finally reappeared I dragged her into the bathroom and we had the following conversation (I shit you not):

Me: What the fuck is that?
Her: (Lifting up toilet paper) Oh my GOD. I'm sooo sorry!
Me: Um, it's cool...I guess…But…um, why?
(Pause)
Her: Well...My sister and I...we're saving them. We're making matching sisterhood puppets out of them.

At which point she wrapped the thing in a piece of tissue and wandered into her room.

All together now - EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

When this bit of information was passed on to the other roommates and various friends who hung out at our apartment we tried to figure out where she was keeping them. I mean, how many places can you keep a used tampon without people noticing? You'd think the smell alone would set off a few alarms. We decided she must have some sort of container she kept them in. On a shelf or something. Apparently we were wrong. This lovely, INTERESTING girl also made jewelry,. Hideous, awful jewelry out of fabric and found objects that she used to decorate her walls and occasionally her person.

You know what else she used to decorate her walls? USED TAMPONS. We didn't notice them at first because of all the other shit up there, but upon closer inspection we realized that she had covered her walls in a collage of skank. She was kicked out shortly after the tampon fiasco, but not before we found three others lurking around the apartment. Two in the bathroom and one on the living room floor, wrapped in toilet paper.

There was also the time she left her dildo in the bathroom for three days, and the time she decided to sleep with her door open so that I was confronted with her boyfriend's balls first thing in the morning.

Man...she was a JOY.

I've gotten flack for saying she was the worst roommate ever because she didn't destroy anything or steal from us. But come ON. It was still pretty bad.

What about you guys? Any horror stories? ♦DiggIt! ♦Add to del.icio.us ♦Add to Technorati Faves

Twenty Seven Stitches OR don't read this if you've just eaten lunch

Zoe and I, Summer 2008

When I was in the first grade we had to have bathroom buddies because unlike kindergarten, the bathrooms were down the hall and not in the classroom. My bathroom buddy was Zoe, and every time one of us had to pee we had to go together. Because we were six. The other thing about bathroom buddies was that it meant you always had an audience when performing stupid stunts. The most popular of these stunts was keeping the door locked from the inside, putting one foot on the toilet, the other on the lock and then launching yourself over the door. It was impressive and annoying!

Right before Memorial Day weekend 1991, Zoe and I got stuck in the stall. Being that I was A) wearing my favorite shirt (a yellow Lacoste pocket tee) and B) had done it a million times before, I decided to launch myself over the door, rather than crawling under it. Well, like so many other things in my life, (see Wrestling, Rooftop) it didn't go quite as well for me that time. Somehow or another I lost my balance in the middle of this act (I still think Zoe pushed the door, she says she didn't) and landed, armpit first, on the blunt coat hook. Dazed and bleeding, Zoe and I started to leave the bathroom when


Disclaimer: Okay, now I'm really serious about the Don't-Read-This-If-You've-Just-Had-Lunch thing...we're about to go gross...





a chunk of fat from my arm ended up in my mouth and I had to spit it out.

I'm serious. I have had human fat in my mouth. I wouldn't advise it.

Moving on!

Zoe and I made our way back to our classroom where my first grade teacher, Amy Blackwell, did not faint. Which is something I still look up to her for. From there things are a little blurry. I remember being in the principle's office where she held a wad of those school grade brown paper towels under my arm until the paramedics got there. I remember my father arriving on unicycle, and I remember that I was laughing by the time I got into the ambulance. I also remember getting a huge shot in my leg to knock me out so they could stitch me up.

FUN!

Other than that I don't remember much. I'll still run into people who remember me bleeding on their desks...so that's fun.

Now go look at the picture in the top of the post again. That's me, Zoe, and the actual hook I landed on all those years ago. My mother doesn't find the humor in the photo. Zoe and I think it's awesome.

Thanks to The Garlic for inspiring this post. xo
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